


Blank

by aidenkingscholar



Category: Twisted-Wonderland (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, The Author Regrets Everything, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29120934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aidenkingscholar/pseuds/aidenkingscholar
Summary: In which Idia spirals into a depressive episode, but can't get out of bed for the sake of himself.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





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**Author's Note:**

> I've had a couple of rough days but today was better so I thought I could write this
> 
> I made Idia suffer here so please proceed with caution
> 
> TW: kind of washed down suicidal thoughts, and intrusive thoughts of self hate

The smallest thing had kept Idia awake for so many hours, that he didn't have the courage to take a look at the clock anymore. How his voice cracked during that conversation, how low he mumbled his counterpoint during the dorm leaders' meeting, how awkward his hands looked when everyone was staring at him, waiting for his reply. Why was he even named dorm leader, either way? Why would these people trust any opinion he could form?

He got up from bed, and sat at his desk. His computer screen lit up, bothering him for a moment. He checked his notifications, and tried to drown his thoughts with trivial activities. Checking his groupchat, catching up on the game's updates, clicking here and there letting time slip by. He wouldn't sleep tonight, and that didn't matter. Health is for those that plan to live.

He couldn't accept that school's program, nor any other offer that he got during VDC. He couldn't do shit about himself.

Those final hours were painfully slow, almost making him believe that horrible night would never end. The morning hit him with unberable exhaustion, forcing him to stay in his chair. He felt his mouth dry, but the water bottles were too far away. When was the last time he had drank anything at all? He shrugged it off, just like he did with sleep.

Idia had told Ortho not to interrupt him, since he would be working on an important project. His vagueness made him doubt, but lastly, his brother agreed to giving him space. Now, with the crushing weight of not sleeping, and feeling lightheaded at the lack of food he was providing for himself, he felt incredibly grateful that no one would be around to reproach him for this behavior.

He managed to get himself into bed, the few steps between the chair and the bed seeming eternal. Idia covered himself with a dirty blanket thrown on a corner of his bed, and tried not to think. He stared at the ceiling, and his mind soon began to wander. Going here and there, from the disappointment he would cause his brother for not being able to attend to any of his (supposedly) dream offers, to how pathetic he was right now. He stared and stared, in complete silence, hoping there would be anything to make his brain shut up.

He was so tired. Exhausted, overwhelmed. Thinking about getting up, and doing any of the regular tasks in his routine (such as eating breakfast, brushing his teeth...) stressed him enough. Adding his worries onto that was only making him sink deeper into his bed. In that room, he did not have to exist.

Because, to be fair, nobody needed him either way. All the other dorm leaders had solved their issues in a way or another, and he had played no part in it. Ortho loved him, of course, but he didn't need him. All the things he built for him could have been built by anyone else, and perhaps even better than he did. He deserved so much better than the loser, useless excuse of a brother that was isolating from the world. He wasn't reliable, there's no way he could finish another project any time soon. Those people who emailed him just needed some time to realize they had made a mistake by choosing him. He was not meant to do anything meaningful, nor leave a trace on this world.

To put it simply, Idia was a waste.

That sounded about right for him. The growing pain in his gut was foolish, he was only stating what was public knowledge. If he asked other students in NCT, they definitely wouldn't hesitate to talk about his awkwardness, his lack of commitment, his absent-minded personality...

Mid-day. He couldn't keep his eyes open for much longer. Throughout his loathing, he felt more tired than ever. A small nap finally felt like a possibility, but he didn't consider it would be much longer than he expected. For six hours, he had no dreams, and no sense of self. In a way, it felt nice to not exist. Even when he wasn't aware of how he faded away, when he woke up he could only think: "I wish that had kept going."

He rolled over, and found a bag of chips under his bed. His growling stomach would take anything at this point, so he ate them quickly and made a small mess on his bed. He threw the bag aside, hoping that'd be enough for the day. His expectations of getting out of bed were extremely low. How did he even get accepted into NCR, if the sole thought of getting up was making him anxious enough to move him to tears?

Was it always going to be like this...?

He had spent several days feeling like this, like existing was too much for him to handle. It was supposed to go away within a couple of days, but that wasn't working. Every day he would wake up, and spiral into a pit of self deprecating thoughts that paralyzed him. He could barely find the strength to change clothes or talk anymore. It was getting way out of hand.

Now, he had messed with his sleep schedule. It had been sketchy in the past, sure. But never to this extent, of sleeping all day and being up all night. However, you can only do so much when you feel like there's no choice left.

Idia held onto one of his pillows, closing his eyes once again. Ortho would probably visit him at some point, and try to shake some sense into him. But he couldn't deal with life today. He couldn't be a human being existing in the real world, obligated to contribute to society and improve himself constantly. It was impossible for a failure like him. Since the world would keep spinning around, Idia took his second long nap of the day, embracing the concept of disappearing for a couple of hours.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading
> 
> If you're in need of help, please call a hotline  
> For LGBT+: Text The Trevor Project  
> Go to imalive.org  
> Know that you aren't and will never be alone


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